Dear Tommy,
by Esula
Summary: Short letters to Lord Voldemort from a VERY bored Harry Potter. Enough Said? OOC
1. Dear Tommy,

_Hi Minions! Ok... So I'm back (kind of) but not yet continuing my longer stories. I know, I know, I said In would finish them and I will, just not at the moment. Sorry *Embarrassed face* So I don't know if this is just a one shot or not, I haven't decided yet, so it's up to you lovely people! Yay for you!  
><em>

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Lord Voldemort or Wormtail. However, I do own the guy who breathes incorrectly, well I did, he's dead now. *sniff* (If you read down you'll get what I mean...)_

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><p>Today started out just like any other day in the Lair of the DOOOOOM. Lord Voldemort, evil Dark Lord and just a general big bully, was having fun torturing people (like that scum Wormtail), killing people (like that idiotic new recruit who breathed in through his nose, as if to show off that he had a nose, well Lord Voldemort soon showed him that having a nose did not mean you were better) and planning dastardly brilliant plans (if he did say so himself) to take over the world.<p>

And so, as it was, Lord Voldemort and all his minions were gathered in the 'throne room' of Voldemort's new Secret Hideout (also known as the Lair of DOOOOOM – with the correct amount of 5 'O's) and Voldemort was sitting on his surprisingly comfortable (after all, you can't torture someone efficiently with a sore bottom) torturing Wormtail (as it _was_ his favourite hobby) and generally having a good time.

When an owl flew in. With a letter.

Now, it had been a long time since Voldemort had last received a letter via Owl Post so one could argue that the would not know the correct manner in which to approach this situation, which is why he AK'ed the owl, but then you could also say that Draco Malfoy doesn't dye his hair – and we all know _that_ isn't true. So anyway, Lord Voldemort killed the owl and sent one of his minions to retrieve the letter in its claws all the while feeling a slight tinge of… excitement? Well he hadn't received a letter for ages…

Practically crawling on his Minion number 56 gave the offending letter to his Lord and Master. Lord Voldemort inspected the letter. It was addressed to him! Lord Voldemort had received a letter! Oh, he was ever so excited, but he was a Dark Lord so he had to appear calm (and evil, of course). He opened the letter in an evil manner and read it.

_Dear Tommy, _

_(I feel as though since you've tried to kill me and I've escaped so many times that we can be on first name basis? Not to mention the amount of times you've tried to possess me as well. Its nice to know you want to get to know me so much, but I am afraid to say that my Beater's Bat – not that I actually own one – does not swing that way. Apologies. But if you do ever enter the dating scene I would still recommend a different approach, I don't think many women – or men – would appreciate being tortured/killed/possessed on their first date. I'm sure I can find you some easier chat up lines if you'd like?)_

_Anyway, how's life as a megalomaniac?_

_Yours Sincerely, _

_Harry Potter (your arch enemy)_

_Ps. I do hope you haven't killed the owl that delivered this, would be most unfair and rather annoying. 'Sides Hedwig would refuse to talk to me again and she's only just starting to talk back to me after The-Incident-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named._

_PPs. Much Love!_

Lord Voldemort then experienced another new emotion; confusion. "What the Hell?"

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><p><em>So yeah, do I continue this?<em>

_(Stupid line below won't go - rhymes!)_


	2. Dear Tommy, 2

_So I don't have a schedule for this story, it's just going to be posted roughly with a week in between but I can't remember when I posted the last chapter so I'm posting this one now (and, no, I can't be bothered t look.. too much effort). Again, it's not long... so if you're looking for long chapters then this isn't the story for you. Some chapters will be longer than others (Chapter Four is currently in the process of being written and is definately going to be longer than this one but not mega long.) Anyhoo, cheerio! :)_

_Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Hazza. Potter. Or. Anything. That. That. Entails. Taraa. My. Friend. Tally. Ho. Old Bean. Pip. Pip. Cheerio. Bye._

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><p>It was almost a week since Harry Potter had sent his letter and finally after a week of torturing anyone with a nose, and killing all his prisoners. Self-styled Darkest-Lord-In-A-While Lord Voldemort was not happy. Not that he actually was to begin with… but that's another story.<p>

No, he wasn't unhappy because Dumbledork had yet again managed to foil one of his evil plans (stupid fool), nor was he unhappy that he had 'accidently' killed all his prisoners (no, he was feeling quite happy about _that_). No, Lord Voldemort was unhappy because he had to eat the The-Most-Evilest-Food-Ever. Broccoli. It might look innocent and tasty, but Lord Voldemort wasn't fooled by its appearance. Oh no, _he _knew that while looking seemingly innocent Broccoli was planning to take its revenge for not being called a real tree.

Broccoli would have to do a lot better than that to fool Lord Voldemort.

So, the mighty Lord Voldemort sat upon his new throne, which looked suspiciously like a high chair, glaring at anyone who even dared _suggest_ he eat his Broccoli. And so the Dark Lord was left alone with his Broccoli… for a while.

The first thing that alerted Voldemort to someone's daring approach was footsteps. And while the Dark Lord grew angry he couldn't help but fear it would be _Him_. The footsteps were getting closer… And closer… And yet closer still… Then they stopped. The door creaked open, lightening flashed outside, thunder rumbled and Lord Voldemort Killer-Of-Many tried to blend into his surroundings behind his Broccoli (maybe the person would mistake him as a tree? Hopefully.).

But it was not to be. "My Lord…" Came the silky smooth voice of the intruder. It was _Him_. The man who made he, Lord Voldemort, eat his Broccoli. "Bellatrix told me that you aren't eating your Broccoli again…" There was no answer and_ He_ sighed. "We've spoken about this, haven't we?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"No?"

"NO."

"Don't make me force you."

"No."

"Do I have to-"

"You wouldn't dare." Voldemort hissed, literally.

Unfortunately it seems no matter how much Severus Snape wanted to be a snake he was forever going to be known as a bat as it was clear he didn't understand what his Lord had just hissed. Poor Snape. This was only further proven when Severus Snape also known as the dreaded He-Who-Makes-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Eat-The-Most-Evilest-Food-Ever-Aka-Broccoli-How-Dare-He approached Lord Voldemort's highchair, uh, _throne_.

"I'm sorry about this, My Lord," he spoke as he approached, getting out the right utensils for his task ahead, "But you leave me no choice." And so, Severus Snape Head of Slytherin House, Potions Master, a Bloody Good Spy and owner of a very long name (see above) finished preparing for this next very perilous task. He breathed in (and out, of course, he wouldn't be very useful if he was dead, after all) for a few times. He speared one piece of Broccoli upon Voldemort's Thomas the Tank Engine fork, lifted it high above both his and his Master's heads and deemed himself ready for the danger. "Ahhhhhhh…" He came his war-like cry. "Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO. Look the Hogwarts Train is coming into the station! CHOO CHOO!" Reluctantly Lord Voldemort let himself eat the offending Broccoli. In the end, who could resist this treatment? "That's right My Lord, and next… Look, what do we have here? It's a broom! Zooooooooooooooooom, Zooooooooooooooooom, Zoooooooooooooooooooom." Glaring hatefully at his torturer the Dark Lord eventually ate all his Broccoli.

Just he had finished washing down that disgusting taste with some milk (because even Dark Lords needed healthy bones and teeth) another owl flew in. With another letter! For him! This time instead of killing the owl straight away, he slowly tortured it to death; maybe this is what Harry Potter meant about not killing the owl last time?

Yet again, one of his new emotions (excitement) built up in him as he undid the letter nearly an hour later (who knew it took owls to die that long from torture, you learn something new everyday) he had been written to AGAIN!

_Dear Tommy,_

_After a week of waiting, Hedwig and I have come to the conclusion that you have killed the last owl. I am most disappointed in you as Hedwig is yet again refusing to speak to me. *Upset face* (since you can't see me… hopefully. Okay… is that you I can see hiding behind my bush? *Winky face* No, not in that way you fooooool. You dirty minded megalomaniac. Bad Tommy. Bad. And don't worry, it's just Tonks at the bottom of my garden *snickers*. HI Tonks!) Yes, anyway, when I said don't kill the owl that means DON'T KILL THE OWL! Or torture it, or eat it, or do anything else with it._

_Jeez._

_Anyway, with Hedwig not talking to me I have to find a new friend. Will you be my friend?_

_Please?_

_We could be Best Friends Forever, and tell each other secrets (like where we're hiding) and have sleepovers (as each other's prisoner) and have pyjama parties (my pyjamas are red and gold with snitches!) and give each other makeovers (I could make you a nose and you could give me another scar)! It would be so much fun!_

_Your Best Friend Forever (I'm sure Ron won't mind)_

_Hazza Potter_

_Ps. we have to have secret nicknames, so I can be Hazza, but do you want to me T-man or T-dawg?_

Lord Voldemort stared at the letter: thinking.

_'What have I done in life to warrant such retribution… actually lets not go into that. And seriously, what kind of nickname is 'Hazza'? At least T-dawg is cool. I mean, with T-dawg you could be like Yo! T-dawg what is up my man! But with Hazza it's just Hey Hazza. So boring.' Voldemort sighed. 'Amateurs. No, why am I thinking this? I'm evil, I'm not meant to be thinking of nicknames I already have loads. He-Who-Can't-Be-Named, You-Know-Who… etc. Where does T-dawg strike fear into the silly lives of the mortals? But, I suppose, it is kinda cool…'_


	3. Dear Tommy, 3

_Okay, so this is a short one... sorry about that :/_

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><p>Lord Voldemort was thinking. And it wasn't his usual type of thinking (which involved deciding who to kill and who to merely torture) no; Lord Voldemort was in a conundrum. Would Hazza allow Severus to join in their Best Friend Group? It wasn't that Voldemort liked Snape, nor was it because he actually wanted to be best friends with Harry Potter, but it was because… he had thought of a really, really, really, really cool nickname for Snape.<p>

Turtle!

It had come to him quite suddenly, and had made him break off his Crucio. Wormtail had actually thought that he was getting off quite lightly, however all thoughts on that pathway soon vanished completely when he saw the Dark Lord… smile. It was a truly terrifying sight.

But anyway, back to the whole Turtle/Snape extravaganza. It was all quite simple really:

Severus Snape to Snape to Snap to Snappy to Snapping to Snapping Turtles to Turtle!

It was genius, if he did say so himself.

Now, he knew that Hazza and Turtle weren't on the best on terms but surely he would be reasonable when Turtle was just such a cool nickname! At that moment, as if his thoughts had bought on the occurrence, an owl flew into the room. Would it be from Hazza, the one person who was destined to kill him and the, only, other member of their Best Friend Forever group? This time he didn't kill the owl – for he knew Hazza would be upset with him if he did.

_Dear Tommy,_

_I don't need your friendship! I have a new friend. He is really, really pale. He has red eyes. He is albino. He could almost be your twin; except he is a gerbil. And I have named him Voldemort Junior._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Your very EX-best friend Harry Potter_

_Ps. I am no longer Hazza and you are no longer T-dawg. You ruined our friendship, and it was gonna be so cool. Now you'll never know the Super-Secret-Best-Friend-Handshake. It will be Voldemort Jr.'s and mine. So. Ha._

"Die Stupid Owl! Die!"

_Well at least the Gerbil was named after him…_

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><p><em>Also... Can we just pretend (cos Harry's a wizard) he had an endless supply of owls (cos he lives in a magical world and therefore anything is possible). Also, in case you're wondering where Hedwig is SHE WILL BE BACK! She's not being sent to Voldemort in case he kills her. <em>


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